My first memory of my Mom, I clearly remember, was when we took my brother, who was almost three years younger than me, as a baby, to St. Joseph Hospital in Flint, Michigan. I don’t remember what was wrong with him, but I was about age three. We had to leave him at the hospital. My Dad was working nights at the restaurant, so as my Mom and I left the hospital and went out to the car, I sat in the front seat as that’s what we did back then, almost 59 years ago, there were no car seats or rules about kids riding in the front seat. My Mom recalls I had a big smile on my face, I put my hands on the dash board and rested my chin on them. My Mom asked me what I was thinking and I said something like, “We don’t have to go back and get him do we?” The things kids say. My Mom must have thought to herself, “What did I do wrong that I have such a selfish kid.” My Mom and Dad raised two good kids who grew up to be good people and extremely close Friends. I’m sure I didn’t see things that way growing up. I don’t know if any of us do.
As a gal who is now, not just a Mom all these years later, but a ....grandmother of five, four little girls and one little boy. (YIKES! That’s why I go by Yana), how I look at life now IS different. I joke around about the whole ‘grandmother thing’ and no matter what name I go by, I am sort of a matriarch, mother of my children. I’M THERE, looking at more years behind me than ahead of me. Many years ago, that would have frightened me, but not anymore. Fewer things surprise me or frighten me now than they used to. I realize more now, that I have little control over things and that my ‘Circle of Influence’ for the most part, is just the other person who I live with and have all these nearly thirty-eight years. And you know what, that’s just fine with me, because it means that I have done my job as a Mom and my kids are perfectly capable of taking care of themselves. They really don’t need me for anything. They can all very comfortably support support and take care of themselves. They really don’t need me as a babysitter, they could hire someone and do at times when I’m away. If I want to be part of their lives and want to be relevant, I NEED TO FIT IN. I’d like to have a bit of an influence on my grandchildren. Not like their parents, but like a grandparent, one step away. That is their parents role and I do not want to interfere.
You see, at this point, or on this side, being the grandparent, or parent of adult children, one needs to be aware of their role. I cannot demand that my adult children make an appearance on a holiday or for a Sunday dinner. I can invite but not obligate. In fact, that’s what I say when I do invite, “You are always invited, NEVER obligated,” and I mean it!! There are times, those monumental events, weddings, funerals baptisms, etc., when I would like them there and that’s what I say, something like, “this is a big deal and if you could come for _________, I’d appreciate it,” and they come through. I want my kids to want to come around and not come out of obligation. There’s a difference.
I remember when the kids were little and we managed everything in their lives. One of our kids, when they were under our roof, probably late elementary school age, even joked that “You guys managed everything, including a bathroom break.” YEP, I’d agree to that because it was our job to teach them to eventually manage their own lives and turn over the reins to them. When we were in the thick of three kids at home, two in elementary school and one still at home in preschool, I had a hard time imagining a time when they could drive!!! In fact, prior to that, when we only had Sasha and Alex, and before Sasha started kindergarten I couldn’t even imagine myself putting my little precious cargo on a school bus. Well, the day came for Sasha to go to kindergarten and I had 2 1/2 year old Alex at home who took a nap in the afternoon and collecting her from school myself would require Alex being awoken from his nap early....needless to say, that extra half hour in the morning and half an hour in the afternoon, not to mention the whole waking up Alex from a nap thing, resulted in Sasha riding the school bus and then Alex when it was his turn to start school and so on for Zach.
And the driving thing. Well, that eventually happened too! I remember the day Sasha got her license. The three kids had all looked forward to that day. They planned on a trip to 7 Eleven for a slurpy. When Sasha came home from passing her driving test, we all went out in the driveway, and the three of them got in pickup truck we had purchased which was perfect for them to drive around with their lawn mowers in the back when they cut their lawns, their high school jobs. Brad and I made sure they were all buckled up, which we had gone over numerous times over the years and we waved them goodbye as they drove down Brookstone Lane. The Hubby leaned over to me, put his arm around me and said, “Their goes our life, down the road.” I hadn’t thought of that, had they gotten into an accident, it would have been them all.” Then, a whole new set of worries. Would they be safe, would they encounter a drunk driver, would they themself stupidly get into a car impaired, I surly didn’t think so, but you never know...all more reasons to stay awake at night...
And then they went away to college. More worries, cringes when the phone rings late at night...”I’m ok, but...”. They are out of state, out of the country...worry, worry worry.........
And I really don’t know when it actually began, that I started to worry less. It was all different for each one of them as each one of our kids lives are different and unique to their own set of circumstances and it’s not really that I don’t worry anymore, I would say at times, it’s more of a concern, when something comes up. They each are confident, hardworking and are good people. Sasha and Alex have married good spouses who are confident, hardworking and good themselves. I trust that they will navigate through life quite well and I am confident in the job we tried to do as parents. Mistakes I know were made at times, but we tried to regroup and move on, learning from them.
Here’s an image of Joni Mitchell’s Album “Both Sides Now”. Josh Groban and Sara Bareilles recorded a duet version of Mitchell’s hit song.
Joni Mitchell’s song, “Both Sides Now,” from the late 1960s was inspired by a plane ride she took while touring. She looked out the window, and noticed how the clouds looked from above, rather than how she usually viewed them from down below and observed how different they looked. She took a pen and paper and wrote the words to a song. The second verse makes a similar observation about love and then the third about life. The song which also became a hit for many artists such as Judy Collins, Frank Sinatra and others overs the years and then a duet Josh Groban and Sara Bareilles, Something’s lost and something’s gained, in living everyday.” True. When the kids are little, they depend on us for their every need. It’s nice to be needed, it’s exhausting emotionally and physically and we would not want it any other way. That’s the way it should be...as they move along through life, they don’t need us like they used to. We loose that, however, what is gained is their independence, seeing their true character and personalities come through. The dependence on us is lost, but what is gained is their own life unfolding and their sense of responsibility for their own success...Would we want it any other way?
As I look at life from “Both Sides Now,” (or ALL sides now as the child, the parent and now the grandparent), all those things I worried about, they really weren’t worth the sleepless nights and stressing over. Time would have been much better spent cuddling, telling stories, looking at the moon, laughing and hugging. That’s what I’d tell a young Mom now on “The Other Side.” I’d also say, be the Mom, not the friend, teach your kids right from wrong, to be nice, make sure you say your prayers and most importantly, LOVE, Those worries from long ago are gone...”something’s lost and something’s gained, in living everyday”...and that’s ok...in fact, It’s makes for a Great Day...
Happy Mother’s Day ❤️
“Something’s lost and something’s gained...” I can handle that ❤️
