Happy New Year! Towards the end of 2026, it was fun to do some brainstorming on new topics for itsagreatdayto.com . Adulting is a topic that has come up often and it’s an area I enjoy talking and writing about. Every stage of parenting has it’s fun and challenges. Seeing a helpless infant grow into an assertive toddler is remarkable. Seeing a pre-teenager take on responsibility, head into the teenage years and then graduate from high school to take on adulthood, and eventually become who they were meant to be is my favorite stage. It’s where the results are seen of the discussions, lesson learned, sleepless night wondering if they are going to get the responsibility thing, the sports and enrichment activities that help teach the lessons through real life situations are the BEST teachable moments. As parents, we didn’t have all the answers, we made mistakes along the way and we were very much grateful for parents and friends to count on for wisdom and listening ears. I know what it takes and although there are many ways to raise kids (like there is more than one way to skin a cat) into responsible adults, I can pass along some lessons from our own experiences and from great friends and family who have succeeded at the most important job in the world. This topic is more than one lesson. Here we go…
Most parents hope to raise kids who become independent and responsible adults, so let’s say that’s the goal. I would add to that, I wanted to raise good people who treated others with respect. So, if that is where you want to end up, let’s work backwards-that’s how I start a task, if I want to be “there” what do I need to do to get “there” and work backwards. Here’s an example. So, if I want to raise kids who can support themselves and be responsible with money, that’s a skill that should be started early on, as an irresponsible teenager, with no regard for their parents money doesn’t just magically become smart with money when they turn eighteen. I know what you might be thinking. “My teenager is eighteen, maybe I didn’t teach everything i should have, YIKE!” I will address this and it’s not too late and I will give parents of young kids some lessons to work on so that your kids are on track to take on adulthood, “gotcha covered.” Let’s begin…
Let’s start with, what I think is your biggest obstacle as parents, that my generation of parents was fortunate enough NOT to have to; SOCIAL MEDIA-well not nearly to the extent that this generation has had to deal with it. Of course, there is some good with technology and social media. the internet can be used to learn information with unlimited sources of information available to the average person at the tip of their fingers on their phone, tablet or computer. Instagram and Facebook Reels and stories can be used to teach and inform. The negative side of the equation is that social media can cause FOMO (fear of missing out) irresponsible behavior and downright bullying with the bully having the ability to hide behind a keyboard, not having to come face to face with the person they are insulting and intimidating. This is a whole level of parenting my generations and those before us never had to navigate. You are going to have to face this head on and stand your ground.
Why is social media a problem? First of all, it is designed to be addictive so that it can be used to “sell stuff.” It allows for information (and people) to get into your house that you may not WANT into your home and in your child’s head. This can be done behind your back, unless you are totally engaged and have controls on devices. Although, even if you ‘do it all’ to protect your child, you can’t lock them in an ivory tower. They will be at school or with friends and they could see this information on their friends devices. Don’t you find it interesting that most of the big players in tech don’t allow their kids to be on social media? What does that tell you? Kids (and adults too) are constantly being “sold stuff” and experiences. I recall a few years back a friend with middle school children told me that her kids were so bummed that she and her husband had opted to NOT do a spring break, because they had some home projects to get done around the house. She told me that she was regretting it because her daughter was seeing all of her friends on social media were posting photos from spring break in Florida. Same with older kids/young adults seeing their friends going to exotic places and taking selfies for all their friends to see their ‘weekend in Vegas, or snaps from them at the Eifel Tower in Paris. All of a sudden, when these places or activities weren’t even on a someone’s radar, and now they are feeling like their life is boring and ‘ho hum’ and everyone is off to exciting places and you are sitting in your parents living room while everyone else is having so much fun. An older friend of mine received a phone call from her twenty-something daughter who lived in Washington D.C. at the time, “All of my friends are going to Paris for the Bastille Celebration. I would love to go. I have never been to Paris. Would you and Dad pay for me to go, I can’t afford it.” My friend’s response was epic, quick and PERECT. ” ‘Emily’ I am sixty years old and I have not yet been to a Bastille Celebration in Paris. There is plenty of time for you to save up and do it yourself when you will appreciate it most.” YES! That friend of mine taught me so much about teaching your kids responsibility and not doing too much for them as they get older. She and her husband had just paid for a private college experience, helped her get set up in a big city. Paying for a fancy vacation would be sending the wrong message. Helping with a few months of an apartment until a kids gets on their feet, ok. That teaches a kid that we will help with necessities but to fund extravagances sends them the message that “you don’t have to save, we’ll fund the niceties.” Every parent decides what is an extravagance and what isn’t. I have seen parents wonder why their thirty something kids don’t want to settle down or have anything saved. When you give your ‘blessing’ on irresponsible behavior year after year, you may end up with a young adult who gets too use to living ‘footloose and fancy free.‘ of course settling down, getting married and having a family may not be everyone’s goal, at sometime living responsibility and saving for a future an retirement is wise, for one may not always have their good health and ability to work. That is just a fact.
Looking at ‘working backwards to get the behavior you want for an adult child,’ teaching kids early on that “We may not do what every other family does and that’s ok,“ is a good lesson to grab hold of early on. We may not go on vacation or spring break every year, but you will have what you need. Spring Break is not a ‘given‘ or right. Someone has to work hard to earn money for that Spring Break. Some years the money may be there and some years not. For a kid to EXPECT Spring Break is setting up an expectation that they may or may not be able to carry on into adult hood and unless you plan to FUND spring break for years to come, you may want to handle that the way you see fit. Keeping up with others or what ‘everyone else is doing on social media is something you need to manage.
Keep your kids busy and engaged with school work, family activities, chores, sports, enrichment and Church/Synagogue activities. You want your kids to have limited time to even want to ‘scroll.’ Completely taking it away would be ideal, but realistically, is that possible at a certain age? My feeling is that YOU HAVE THE OPPORTUNITY TO teach your kids how to be judicious with their time and not waste too much of it on useless activities. For them to learn this under your roof, may result in them having time to learn NOT to waste too much time on it when they depart your home when it is time. I scroll occasionally, you may too. However, if you train, teach and inspire your kids to be productive with their time, not succumbing to the whims of society, and those a round them you will be doing them a big favor. It is also a confidence booster for them to know that they are an independent thinker and they have a mind of their own to do what is right for them.
Another issue that I feel strongly about and have said so before is that “NO tech charging in their bedrooms” should be your goal. They say it’s not good for them to have their phone, tablet or computer near their head. It’s also a distraction from their sleep. Charge them away from their rooms and where they can easily be tempted to get their phone when they should be sleeping so that they are rested and ready for their “Job,” school.
Spending time as a family and having your child involved in meaningful activities that help teach skills you hope for them to learn, leaves little time and if they don’t HAVE the time to sit on a phone or social media, they won’t miss it.
Next topic. You child doesn’t need to have everything they want. Of course as a parent, we want to give our child what they need and a few things that are splurges. When I was a teenager, it was the designer jeans, Calvin Klein, Jordache, and Gloria Vanderbilt. My Mom was having none of it. “I’ll buy you Levi’s, you want the more expensive jeans, YOU can buy them with your money.” That prompted me to start babysitting. I DID buy a pair, realized that they were nice but the Levi’s were so much cheaper and suited the same purpose. Since I was buying them, I was less likely to part with my own money. Each generation has their own splurge. Whether it is Ugg boots, the Tom Brady jersey or Pokémon cards, you can use these situations to teach very valuable lessons. In your teaching of these lessons, you don’t want your child to think that they have to ALWAYS have the latest and greatest. If they have this attitude that they need the BEST of everything it can land them in a great deal of debt. the Ugg boots and fancy phones can lead to expensive cars, watches, extravagant vacations and so on. Working hard for something nice as a reward or a reward for the family when a Dad or Mom reaches a goal at work or milestone, of course to share with them and the family the fruits of their/ your labor, YES, but to set up a never ending quest for more and more just to have it, NO! You know when it gets out of hand and you want your child to appreciate what they have and not want beyond what they can afford to provide for themselves. Which can lead to another problem, over indulging your adulting young adults. When parents supplement their adult children’s expensive habits, they are not doing them any favors (this was mentioned above in the Bastille example too)…
Some parents just can’t help themselves on this one. Usually it comes from one of two places. If they foot the bill for ‘over the top’ or out of sequence niceties, some feel that it sends a message to the community that their adult child is doing so well. The other reason I see parents doing this is purely out of wanting their kids to have a great life. Understandable, we all want that for our kids. Here is when it becomes a problem. it can make for a lazy and entitled person. It also strips the adult child of the satisfaction of doing it themself. Remember how YOU felt the first time you could buy a car or own, pay your own rent/mortgage, etc. It most certainly doesn’t matter what others think, but these parents fool no one. People can see right through it and it really doesn’t reflect well on your child. Let them do it on their own. I remember someone coming up to me when one of our kids bought a house inferring that we had ‘helped’ them. It bothered me. I responded with, “No, if they could not have afforded to buy the house, they would not have bought it. We don’t fund our kids. They able to manage and fund their own lives.” Here’s where you can land into problems when you “Do It” for them. Let’s say you do help more than you should. You help them ‘get’ the house. Can they afford to live there? There are many more expenses one you buy a house, like taxes, utilities, upkeep, repairs, furniture, etc. and then can they manage the other expenses like groceries, health insurance, cars, insurance, etc. How you could help is, let’s say they have bought the house and they need to buy new appliances. PARTNER with them. Let them decide to buy the appliances, so they know they can do it, you then say, how about if we get ‘the fridge?’ So they can afford to do it, you just give them a little help. Or you see that they are going to need to paint the house, you offer to help with that expenses. You are not funding them you are partnering with them. They do the ‘heavy lifting’ and you assist in little ways. You are not robbing them of the joy of doing it themselves.
Lastly, when you do too much for your adult or adulting child, you are keeping them from ‘getting on with adult life.’ Funding irresponsible behavior, like not saving money, living for the next weekend/party/vacation, staying in a job where they aren’t advancing, in a personal relationship that isn’t going to move to the next level of seriousness is easy to do when Mommy and Daddy are funding the irresponsible behavior. If they couldn’t afford to be irresponsible, they might get serious about their job, a relationship or becoming a responsible adult…
So you can see how these problems, if let go or unattended to in the elementary school age or middle school can become the issues that grow into the challenges that prevent a young adult from adulting when they get into their twenties. Next week; training, education & finances.
