We had a trip planned to Greece back in 2020 and then covid hit. So, about two years ago, we finally made it work. A little island hoping in the Aegean Sea, amongst the over seven-hundred islands, a few little coastal towns on the western side of the of Turkey and a hop over to Israel to see historical sites from biblical times. In all of my life to date of travel, it was my favorite trip and most favorite itinerary. The anticipation in the months leading up to the trip was fun and the trip lived up to every bit that I thought it would. The only little ‘hiccup’ was a little excursion that the Hubby planned to the little mostly unknown island of Delos, in the Cyclades archipelago not far from the more popular, Mykonos.
The Hubby usually does the planning, I initially throw out some destinations or we discuss places we’d like to go to, he does the research, plans the trip and I happily go along, making sure that everyone has the appropriate attire, comfortable footwear, toiletries and make sure we both looks good. The Hubby knows my interests, preferences and hits home run after home-run when it comes to travel over an almost thirty-eight year marriage next month. This method has worked for us.
Sites from the harbor of Mykonos…
There we so many highlight about this particular trip which started as a monumental birthday get away. When you go to this part of the world, you are going to get lots of history in addition to beautiful scenery. This region of the world is referred often to as ‘the cradle of civilization.’ You could see ancient ruins day after day. Although that was near the top on the list of why to go to Greece, I had envisioned lovely expansive beaches, meals in little tavernas and shopping to see the goods of this part of the world. Why wouldn’t anyone want to miss a little dress shop with numerous Devotion Twins styles of Greek Island dresses?
Well, when we got to Mykonos, we got up in the morning, I just assumed that the plan for the day would be one of some shopping followed by lunch and a trip to the beach (The Hubby wanted each day to be a surprise). Well, NADA. When I inquired what the plans were for the day the response was, “I planned a nice excursion to a little neighboring island.”
“Hum.” I said to myself. Maybe this would be a little private beach, maybe something smaller and less commercial than Mykonos, ‘yes, that of course is what he has planned, something more intimate, more unspoiled. Oh for sure, that must be the plan.’ So, I wore a cute little travel skort and top with comfortable sandals, I started to get a swim suit out and sunscreen, not even thinking to ask for more details. Then the Hubby says, “Really, this is more of a site-seeing day, so I wouldn’t pack your swimsuit.” ‘ Hum’ I thought again. So we got ready, it was a gorgeous day, it was hot, I grabbed my sunglasses and sunscreen and we started walking towards town, actually bypassed the cute little whitewashed tavernas and little shops and the hustle and bustle, went by a cute little Greek Orthodox chapel that faced the harbor and we walked over to where the ferries departed from and got in line. I saw a sign that said, Ferries to Delos. ‘Delos?!’ I thought, ‘where the hell is Delios?!’ It was at this time, I began ‘the pout.’ There was this very large ferry that held lots of people. The vision I had for the day was not what seemed to be unfolding in front of me. The ferry was loud, old and once we arrived it was like a national museum of outdoor ruins of this ancient civilization with hundreds of tourists. We had a guide that was one of those people who just LOVED ruins and knew all the details of how the citizens lived in this uncovered city. The guide even had tablets for us all with software that allowed for us to see the what it looks like now and what it would have looked like in ancient times when it was a very thriving city that clearly worshipped the Greek gods with numerous statues to commemorate those gods. It was hot, the sun was bright which made the tour uncomfortable.
At some point about approximately three quarters through the excursion, I realized that my behavior was absolutely appalling. When the guide said to me something like, “Mary Yana I know that this tour may not be your kind of tour, but I really think you’ll like where we are going next, I believe you’ll like the amphitheater, it’s been very well restored.” I thought ‘oh, it’s that obvious?’ I really am looking like a complete jerk if the tour guide can see my attitude. My husband has planned this incredible trip for my birthday, I told him that I’d be fine with the trip, tours and little excursions, I didn’t take on doing the planning, he spent his time and I must have expected him to read my mind, this isn’t fair to him, stop it now MY.’
So I did. If the tour guide could figure this out, probably the other people in the group could and most importantly, the most important person in my life must be hurt by my selfish and very childish behavior. Here we are in place I have always wanted to go to and I am ruining a day in an absolutely beautiful place. An apology was in order and it was time to turn the day around. After the apology, I intently listened to the guide’s remarks about the amphitheater and imagined myself, before turning to the IPad to see for myself. We walked through it all and when we got to the bottom/floor of the theater there was a large rectangular stone that was part of the ruins. We had just heard the story of the Greek goddess, Nike that inspired the Nike swoosh and I don’t know what inspired me to climb on top of the shaped stone and do an arabesque (ballet) pose and asked the Hubby (who had probably had enough of my attitude that day, even though he very sincerely accepted my apology) to take my photo. He did and we both laughed-it sort of was the point where the day was resuscitated. From the other side of the theater, an older woman tour guide came running over and scolded me to get down from the ruins. She was correct, I had no right doing what I had done, and quickly got down and we went on our merry way, got back on the very crowded ferry, making our way back to Mykonos, had a nice dinner, lovely evening and the next day we went shopping, bought that little Greek island dress, little straw hat from a lady who own the little shop that was the former home she grew up in and she pointed to us where the living room was where she was born, we went to a little taverna for a drink and then headed to a beach. It was a perfect day as what I had envisioned Mykonos to be like. A few times during the day, one of us would make reference to the previous day, mostly about my poor attitude and we laughed at how bad it was. At dinner that night, we struck up a conversation with a couple at the table next to us and we told them of our unfortunate day on Delos and it was even funnier telling it to someone else. We had a nice dinner, met a couple from New York, had drinks after dinner and I’d have to say, it was a perfect day.
Later, I looked back on that day on Delos and what was learned. It was so wrong of me to not take part in the planning of the trip and then criticize what had been planned, because it wasn’t what I envisioned. Was I expecting my husband to read my mind and then when he didn’t, take my frustration out on him? Yes, that was exactly what I did and it was so wrong. My husband had rolled with it, accepted my apology and moved on, but I could see, from my perspective where one could hold on to this if they wanted to, and maybe next time say, “how about you plan the excursions/trips-or the trip itself-next time.” I might be tempted to do that if I had been on the receiving end of the Delos experience. He wouldn’t do that, that’s just not who he is or how he reacts. An apology (a sincere apology) to him, means that one acknowledges what went wrong and the situation is put behind, in the past, not to be brought up again (as in a bad way for any type of leverage that just isn’t good).
Reflecting on that day in Delos and what was learned following, I have thought back to that day and it makes me sad that I was so rude to someone I care so dearly about. I’m glad that it makes me sad, because if I’m sad, then I’m hoping to NOT act like that again. Yes, it’s laughable and a funny story to tell, I don’t want to be so inconsiderate and disrespectful to him or anyone else.
The older I get, the more I realize that time is of the essence and spending time being in conflict or having bad feelings just isn’t worth it. The importance of good communication and respect makes for… (for lack of a better phrase that is not coming to my mind right now) Great Days. Why would I or anyone want to waste a perfectly good day with bad feelings, an argument or toxic behavior? This would be a waste of time, in my mind.
Admission of the problem, acknowledgement (or owning the problem) and resolution are important in any relationship for it to be a good one. I remember once, a man who was a parent of kids my kids’ ages when they were in high school, came up to me in the grocery store. I said “hello” and he said to me, “Mary Yana, I want to apologize to you for that bad situation that happened when the kids were on the ski team.” I had long forgotten about the situation, but had recollection of it when he mentioned it, very vaguely, I didn’t have bad feelings towards him or his family, however, it must have mattered to him. He remembered it and when he saw me, it reminded him of it. What respect I had for him, that nearly twenty years later, he wanted to be forgiven-most likely whatever it was, I was probably responsible too. I always thought ‘Dan’ was good dad, husband, person, but to apologize in that way, speaks volumes of his character. It made me think of people who you may have a falling out with or a friend, coworker, neighbor who crosses the line. If the relationship is significant, admission of the problem, acknowledgement or owning of the problem and resolution are all necessary to move on and continue. None of us are perfect, however, acknowledging it, apologizing so that both parties feel that the situation is put behind, is important, IF the relationship is of value. We all know what unresolved conflict feel like and it’s very uncomfortable. At least one of the parties knows that there is something up in the air-however, it usually is very detectable whether both parties will admit it or not. If the circumstance is not resolved, it will metastasize in another argument that may or may not be the same subject as the previous one that caused it. If I had kept bringing up the day in Delos and acted unappreciative of my husband trying to plan a good day, most likely, he would pull away, possibly not wanting to plan more trips, and it would be a little chipping away of a relationship. Just think about how an unresolved chip here and a chip there over time, it will take a toll on a relationship.
Life is short and the older you get, it becomes clearer and clearer. Everyone of us deserves to be respected and in most cases in a healthy relationship, when we respect the other person, they reciprocate. As I said, everyone has a bad day here and there, apologize and move on, and try as much as possible, not to take out a bad day on the people who matter to you. Communication of the problem can lead to empathy and understanding. “I had a bad day at work, I don’t want to take it out on you, let me go for a walk and cool down before we have dinner,” allows someone know that you had a tough day, that they aren’t you punching bag and maybe they’ll be a good listener and support when you debrief your day during dinner. If something bothers you about someone, respectfully tell them. I remember talking to a Chief Friend the year we both got married and over lunch I asked,
“So how’s married life going?”
Her response was, “Pretty good, but I just wish he’d put his tooth brush and stuff away in the morning after he gets ready for work, but aside from that, things are pretty good.”
My response was, “Why don’t you just ask him to clean up?”
“I don’t want to knit pick, it’s not like that’s really a big deal, it just bothers me.”
Good point, but I was thinking, over time maybe that would really bother you but everyone knows what their barometer is of what is important and what isn’t. A friend of ours told his future son-in-law when he asked for his daughter’s hand in marriage,
“Be careful of the pebble in the shoe.”
“What is the pebble in the shoe?”
“Take care of the little problems when they are small and they won’t grow into bigger problems.” Good point. Unresolved conflict can grow. As uncomfortable as some topics can be, better to expose and work toward resolving them. I have heard over and over again over thirty-eight years of marriage and forty years of knowing the Hubby (this was a topic in last week’s blog post) “both people have to walk away from a situation or deal, feeling that they got something or had a win. Really, would you want to be the only person on the receiving end? I know that I wouldn’t. I like being part of a team. When you are a part of a team you both work toward a ‘win.’ Each person gives, at times, one more than the other sometimes, but no one is keeping track ‘tit for tat.’ For us, we have helped one another through tough times. Sometimes I was more on the receiving end and sometimes the Hubby, but most of the time, it was both of us working equally. If you don’t contribute you are not invested. At different times in our life the contribution may be different, but the common denominator over a relationship is that both give for the greater good of the team. When you love someone, the little stuff may be able to be looked over (like my Chief Friend said). A teacher I used to work with told me one day, “When my husband and I have an argument, I look at the photos of us dating and our wedding and it reminds me of the man I fell in love with. Usually that causes me to look at the situation to determine if it’s a big deal or not.” Shirley and Earl have been married for fifty-two years.
Wishing you a great day and should you make it to Delos, just go with it and do a little shopping and head to the beach later that day or the next for a win/win for everyone ❤️
